Another year passes

Next week my daughters will turn six and nine.  Somehow it doesn’t seem possible.  How have nine years gone by since I first held Daysia in my arms?  It’s going by way too fast. 

Parents of older kids always say that things get easier as kids get older.  I don’t agree.  Sure I sleep more than I used to, and don’t have to pack a suitcase of crap before leaving the house, but I think things have only gotten harder.  Some days I would much rather be physically drained from 2am feedings than mentally drained from a 45 minute tantrum.  When they’re babies, they don’t talk back, don’t call you “mean mommy”, haven’t yet mastered which buttons to push.  There isn’t this constant battle over who is right.  Babies just trust that you know what you’re doing…. even if in reality you don’t have a clue. 

My oldest is in such a hurry to grow up.  I wish there was a way to slow her down. When I was nine, I played hopscotch and kick ball.  I rode my bike, jumped rope, and made forts in the woods.  My soon to be nine year old wants a cell phone, is boy crazy, and would rather play video games than be outdoors.  I’m dreading having two teenage girls on my hands.  What makes it worse is remembering what I was like as a teen.  I don’t know how my mom didn’t write me off. 

Since I can’t make time slow down, I will continue to make their childhoods as fun filled as I can.  I will play Polly Pockets and Littlest Pet Shop, even though it bores the hell out of me.  I will take them to all the kid functions that I can.  I will remind them daily how lucky they are to be young and carefree.  Having those girls was, and still is, the best thing that I ever decided to do.  Happy Birthday to my beautiful babies!

New beginnings

So I've been living the single life for four months now.  I never thought I would be here again.  My marriage was supposed to last forever.   In reality, my marriage failed.  We fell out of love.  The fairy tale had a different ending.

I've spent hours trying to figure out where things went wrong.  Truth is, they were never right.  Sure there were happier times, special moments, laughter shared.  It just wasn't enough to sustain us.  We weren't meant to be. 

I think I fell in love with the idea of marriage, of sharing my life with another person.  I wanted to have a family, have someone to nurture, have someone to love.  In the end, love didn't lead to happiness.  Love didn't prevail.

Now I'm thirty three and starting over again.  So much has changed.  Being a single parent is lonely.  My girls are angry and sad.  They need me, even though they don't always want to admit it.  Most of the time I'm able to hold it together.  Other times, when no ones around,  I fall apart.  

For many years, I lost sight of who I was.  I struggled to hold on to a man who was never mine to begin with.  I fought to hold on to myself.  Now I'm scared of being alone forever, of never again falling in love .  Despite the fear, I'm taking time to rediscover myself.  What I've learned is that I'm pretty damn amazing. 

It may take years for Mr. Right to come along.  I can patiently wait.  I deserve to be with someone who loves every single piece of me...even those that are damaged and broken.  I'm not going to settle for less.
I still believe in marriage, in living happily ever after.  Most importantly, I believe in me.