Today is Valentine’s Day, and I am single. My day will be void of valentine cards, chocolates, and flowers given to me by a lover. There is no romantic evening that awaits. This year I am on my own.
I was a late bloomer. I first kissed a boy at the age of 16. I went away to college at 17, and that’s when guys really started to notice me. From that point on, I haven’t been single for more than four months.
I’ve spent half of my life devoted to men: supporting, nurturing, and loving them. Despite my best efforts, all of these relationships have failed. Each time my heart has broken, a piece of myself has left me.
So what have these experiences taught me? I’ve learned that, until I love myself completely, it will never work out with anyone else. No amount of outside love, acceptance, and care will ever make me whole. These feelings need to come from within.
So today, I am my own Valentine. One day I hope to share the amazing woman that I am, with a worthy man. For now, I’m going to focus on being a better me.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Lessons in love
My mom has always been my rock, my sense of stability. In a childhood filled with turmoil and hardship, she kept us afloat. I always felt well cared for, I never went without.
My mom sacrificed so much. Most importantly was her sense of self. She worked hard, often holding two jobs at a time. For her kids, there's nothing that she wouldn't do. Men failed her, weren't worthy of her, were weak. Her needs were simple: to be loved, treated with respect, and cherished. Those needs weren't met. In spite of this, she never stopped believing in true love. My mom instilled in me a sense of hope, and she always told me that I'm worthy of love.
For a lot of years, I too put my needs aside. I devoted a lot of time to making others happy. Now I have a chance to do it over again: to marry, to possibly have another child, to grow old with my mate.
People say that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. That's untrue. To be successful, marriage has to be 100/100. I married the wrong man and then divorced. However, I still wholeheartedly believe in marriage. Thank you mom for always supporting me, loving me, and being my number one fan. I will never give up on my pursuit of happiness. I will always believe in the take your breath away kind of love.
My mom sacrificed so much. Most importantly was her sense of self. She worked hard, often holding two jobs at a time. For her kids, there's nothing that she wouldn't do. Men failed her, weren't worthy of her, were weak. Her needs were simple: to be loved, treated with respect, and cherished. Those needs weren't met. In spite of this, she never stopped believing in true love. My mom instilled in me a sense of hope, and she always told me that I'm worthy of love.
For a lot of years, I too put my needs aside. I devoted a lot of time to making others happy. Now I have a chance to do it over again: to marry, to possibly have another child, to grow old with my mate.
People say that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. That's untrue. To be successful, marriage has to be 100/100. I married the wrong man and then divorced. However, I still wholeheartedly believe in marriage. Thank you mom for always supporting me, loving me, and being my number one fan. I will never give up on my pursuit of happiness. I will always believe in the take your breath away kind of love.
Friday, February 7, 2014
New Beginnings
It’s been almost three years since my last blog entry. That’s one hell of a writer’s block. Truth is, I lost my inspiration. I lost my sense of self.
When you make the life-changing decision to have children, you never think that one day you’ll be raising them on your own. Enter in fear and anger. Instead of accepting the situation for what it was, I became bitter as hell. Here I was stuck with all the responsibility, while my ex got to live the bachelor life. I despised him.
Hate is an ugly emotion. If left to fester, it will rot you to the core. All the stress was physically making me a wreck. I gained weight, couldn’t sleep, took life for granted. I snapped at my kids. At times, I resented them.
I turned 36 on January 1st, and I made a promise. I would become unstuck. One month in, and my life is already changing. No more feeling angry and defeated. No more focusing on what I can’t change. God has blessed me with two amazing daughters. They deserve a mom who is happy and positive…..someone who cherishes every day with them.
My ex didn’t ruin me. He set me free. Life is a precious gift, and I have so much to offer others. In a world full of fake and dishonest people, I’m proud of who I am. I’m the real deal. It’s time I start carrying myself as such.
When you make the life-changing decision to have children, you never think that one day you’ll be raising them on your own. Enter in fear and anger. Instead of accepting the situation for what it was, I became bitter as hell. Here I was stuck with all the responsibility, while my ex got to live the bachelor life. I despised him.
Hate is an ugly emotion. If left to fester, it will rot you to the core. All the stress was physically making me a wreck. I gained weight, couldn’t sleep, took life for granted. I snapped at my kids. At times, I resented them.
I turned 36 on January 1st, and I made a promise. I would become unstuck. One month in, and my life is already changing. No more feeling angry and defeated. No more focusing on what I can’t change. God has blessed me with two amazing daughters. They deserve a mom who is happy and positive…..someone who cherishes every day with them.
My ex didn’t ruin me. He set me free. Life is a precious gift, and I have so much to offer others. In a world full of fake and dishonest people, I’m proud of who I am. I’m the real deal. It’s time I start carrying myself as such.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)