Bittersweet

Every now I then, I catch glimpses of what my daughters will be like as teenagers. I find those images terrifying. How will I protect them? What if they turn out like me?

It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with Daysia. Where does the time go? On September11, 2001, Ed and I decided it was time to start trying to get pregnant. We were both confronted with the harsh reality that life is too short and far too precious to wait. A few months later, I was showing signs. I took one test, then two, then sent him out to buy more. They all were positive. I remember feeling thrilled and petrified. What if I miscarried, what if the baby got sick, what if it didn’t? Was I really ready to be a mom?

My pregnancy was pretty routine. Daysia, of course, took her time coming out. Two days after my due date, she was born. I instantly loved her deeply and couldn’t imagine what life was like before she entered it. Ed was instantly smitten. He spoke to her and she turned his way. For months he had talked to my stomach and now she seemed to recognize his voice. Having her was a very proud moment.

Three years later, we had Mariah. Before she was born, I worried that I wouldn’t love her the same way… that I wouldn’t have enough time to give her. Those worries instantly went away when I looked at her. She was so beautiful. At 11.2 pounds, she resembled a 5 month old. She could lift her head clear off of my chest and seemed very curious. I could tell that she was going to give us a run for our money.

Now the girls are 5 and 8. They are so independent and so smart. While I enjoy being able to come and go with ease, I wish I could slow down time a little. I’m already embarrassing when friends are around. Boys are already cute. Back talk is already common place. I never thought I would miss them watching Barney or playing with all those dang little people. Now they are interested in purses, and play makeup, and money.

For now I will cherish every game of hide and seek, every homemade art project, every sticky kiss. I will teach them how to love themselves and how to accept others. I will show them right from wrong. I will love them no matter where life leads them or what path they choose. I want nothing more than for them to be happy and healthy. I hope that someday they will look at their own newborns and feel the power of unconditional love. They bring so much joy and laughter to my life and are truly my greatest accomplishments.